While out shopping on a Tuesday afternoon a few years ago, I met an acquaintance of mine, Melody Agatha Paisley, a rather colorful person, and a genuine pain in the butt as well. True to her character, she was her usual self and came bubbling over to me with an equally bubbling smile and her pretentious schmoozing kisses. I kept telling myself not to throw up and just smiled as amiably as possible.
Before I could say a word, she blurted loudly enough for half the world to hear, “Oh you have to come to my Holiday Dinner this weekend. There’s going to be a lot of people there and I want you to be one of them.”
I knew this was a load of bull and that the only reason I was being invited was because she knew I had seen her and would eventually hear about the dinner and didn’t want to risk being portrayed negatively. In addition, Melody just loved putting on airs and playing the “Most popular girl in town” role by filling her guest list with as many people as possible. I felt bad for her husband Jack, who had voiced his hatred for the parties and the expense, while at the same time, I admired him for standing by her and supporting her. Everyone knew that if it weren’t for Jack’s money, Melody would have been shopping at the thrift and consignment shops like so many others.
Truth be told, I, too, hated her dinner parties as well because to me, they were nothing short of boring. Melody had a knack for inviting the dullest people around and when she did invite someone of interest, you couldn’t get near them because she would be draped all over them or parading them around the room like a trophy for all to see. It was sickening if not painful to watch.
I was suddenly yanked back to the moment when I heard Melody saying, “See you Friday at seven.” Without giving me a chance to respond, she dashed away in her whirlwind fashion. It was a minute or so later before I collected my thoughts and proceeded to do my shopping.
For the rest of the day my thoughts kept getting invaded with Melody’s words and I decided I would indeed attend her Holiday Dinner. I had three days to pick out my outfit and had a pretty good idea what I was going to wear. I went to bed that night and slept peacefully.
I spent the next three days hunting down the items to complete my ensemble and when I laid them all out on the bed, I smiled with complete satisfaction. I was like a kid filled with excitement when I went in the bathroom to shower, thinking, “this is going to be the night of nights”.
As it turned out, luck was running with me when I arrived at Melody and Jack’s house. A couple I had never seen before were entering and I hurriedly got right behind them so I wouldn’t have to make a solo appearance.
When I walked into the large living room where all the guests were seated or milling around, they all stopped what they were doing to stare at me. By the expressions on their faces, one would have thought that a demon had decided to possess me. I smiled widely displaying a missing tooth, having skillfully blackened it with Halloween makeup.
But that was only part of it for I was sporting jeans with the bottoms cut-off and the knees ripped out; a black top with a copper bra on the outside that would have made Madonna jealous. It was fashioned and shaped to look like metal and with hooters so pointed, I could easily have passed as the human version of the front end on a 54 Cadillac.
I capped it all off with large, gaudy gold plastic necklace and earrings and a silver wig. Needless to say, I was quite the sight to see. Once I let everyone have their fill of me, I loudly proclaimed, “Howdy, all! Where’s the liquor?”
This was one time that I was thankful for Melody’s whirlwind actions. Before I could take another step, she had grabbed me by the arm and immediately escorted me from the room, stuttering for words as we moved toward the door. Jack had a smile on his face that, had Melody witnessed it, he would have heard about it for months afterwards.
I never received another invitation and, in fact, have never heard from Melody again. I’ve seen Jack a few times and we laughed so hard, we had tears in our eyes. I asked him how the rest of the night went and he summed it up by saying, “Let’s just say I have seen happier faces at a eulogy."
Chelle Munroe ©
November 14, 2013